This Time It's Real... and Raw, but Only Brief.

The issue: Feeling frighteningly fat.

Summary:

I'm not a skinny chick - I never was. I was teased, poked fun of and never felt 100% satisfied with my reflection in the mirror. However, I found loopholes on how to fake the sight of an acceptable size. And now, there is no loophole or way to hide. (DUN DUN DUN...!)

Background:

Ever since I can remember, I was enrolled in weekend or after school activities from figure skating, gymnastics, boxing, to karate. None of these lasted throughout the years and at times I wish they had. Of course, there is no barrier against me joining again.

Throughout most years, I was the butch girl who was part of the 'cool' crowd, but not 100% cool because of my weight. I feel my weight caused me to put up a front and unfortunately that front was an insecure mean girl. I'm naturally an introvert and a little shy, which didn't help the case. When I would think about forgetting my weight issues and just 'going with the flow', I would be reminded of big-loud-and-in-your-face girls who others and myself judged (don't get me started on this stereotype).

The time I was most happy with my weight was in highschool (gr. 11/12) and in university (1st year) because by then, being 'thick' was in, albeit everyone around me was blond and skinny. I ventured down south and fancied the guys who liked 'exotic' and thick females. In my mind, I was just a hefty girl from the rez who could like many other Native girls, pass for Filipino, Spanish, or some other light skinned race.

Then I entered into a full time relationship with a man who I am still with today, we've been together for about 4 years now (I think... we never put an official date..opps!). This man is extremely fit. He works out, plays recreational soccer and drinks protein shakes. He's only missing the Tanning from GTL'ing, seriously.

This year and each year prior I have continuously thought: "I wish I was the same weight as least year. My weight wasn't bad if I think about it. I only needed to tone up". I have myself to look to when it comes to the weight I've gained. It wasn't the pop, chips or lack of exercise that made me overweight; it was my choice not to eat healthy or continue workouts I started.

On that note, I am also the product of several diets or exercises that have not worked, but probably could have if I only stuck to it! For example, Turbo Jam, P90X, 10 Minute Trainer (all of which are from the same company), Weight Watchers (never actually started that one!), and a diet pill (I know, not the greatest idea).

Current Situation:

I recently graduated, started a full-time job and moved out on my own in a new city. The perfect conditions for change, right? WRONG. The current condition is all in my head.

I went to a traditional healer who reminded me to think about today. I have an affection and seemingly need to cause myself stress based on worrying about 'what if...' and 'what could have....'. Tomorrow does not exist and yesterday is gone, I need only to take the teachings of yesterday with me.

Recommendations:

Today, I am calling out myself & my insecurities to say "I will do something today to improve and benefit my wellbeing and over all health."

Each day I will make at least one health (not healthy) choice, whether it be the food I consume or the activities I do.

Each day I will tell myself and remind myself that I am amazing the way I am and that I can only improve upon the positive foundation I already have. The reason? I know I can exist and be happy today as I am, but I could be healthier, happier and all for the better... so why not?

I give myself the OK take it day by day, but to remind myself it's worth it if I work at it.

I must write in a journal at least 3x a week about how I'm feeling. Health isn't just physical, it's holistic.

More to come?


PS. I know it has been a long time.